Catching up

I decided that I will continue to write for my blog. If not only to assist others who can relate and share the same emotions from the experiences which I have but also as an outlet for myself.

I have struggled to find a point to start at so I will start from this current moment in time as the emotions which I am feeling now are the only reason why I have logged in to make a post. I was about to write a diary entry tonight but decided I would write it into my blog instead.

I went to the gym tonight with my best friend as we do most nights. We train together and are following the same workout plan. He messaged me today and said that he was going to go earlier today, I asked him what he was up to afterwards, knowing that this meant he had plans. He said he was going to meet up with a female friend. Straight away I was overcome with jealousy.

Now this is where I know I should just step back and give this person space as I am not doing them any good or myself but... This is where things get difficult.

I have spent the last 4 years with this person practically every waking hour which we are not at work. He has called me a brother, I have told him I love him, we have smoked so many drugs together,we have taken every drug together, I have become so attached to him.

Now, I have stayed away from him for months to try and lose these feelings. I have brought it up with him on multiple occasions. He has told me he doesn't want anything to change and he said he wants me as his best man if he ever got married etc.

Now all I want is for things not to change either, I am happy to just remain friends with him. The problem is that I fantasise over him and I get so jealous that I practically slip into a depressive state whenever he chooses a girl to hang out with over me. I guess, I want to be with him 24/7.

What are my options here? I have tried to stop being around him, this lasted 6 months. Now I am back to where I was. Do I need to commit to not seeing him again and actually end this friendship which is with such an understandable friend who has endured this whole thing with me and supported me in so many ways? Are there ways which I can stop this jealousy and continue to enjoy my time with this friend?

I am scared that the 6 months which I did not see this friend for was actually the best thing which I have done for myself in regards to this issue. It only stopped as I heard that they were in hospital.

I hope that someone out there has the answer for me as I am running out of options of my own. Maybe the decisions which hurt us the most can sometimes be best in the long run.

P.s. I have written this on my phone so excuse any poor written skills as I haven't been able to proof any of it.

An unexpected reminder...

I'll start by getting straight to the point. I forgot all about this blog. My life since leaving school has been a very rough roller coaster ride.

I check my emails tonight and have an email saying unauthorised access attempt for another email address. I wasn't sure what the other email was used for although I did recall making it. I logged into the account (remembered the password, woot) and had a look at the linked Google products, blogger.

Not sure how someone got my password to login to this account, oh well they were blocked anyway and I reset my password.

Now what's running through my head is 3 things, do I close this account, do I recap on what has happened these past 3-4 years, or do I start from where I'm at now. I'll go with what feels best.

I don't currently label myself as gay/bi/straight. I deny it, I don't accept it. Call me weak.

I went to university after school, that lasted a couple of months. I then went back to working at my previous job doing I.T. programming. Where I have worked for the past 3 years or so. I've decided I'm going to summarise the time I have been absent from this blog.

I moved in with a school friend who's family I was close with. They were happy to have me live with them. I ended up becoming best friends with my friend's brother. I started smoking pot with him and mixing more with his group of friends. I explored new realms of this world, drugs. I was always a curious one, try everything. Trying everything made me realise that this new realm did something for me, it masked my emotions. It was my cure.

I self medicated for a bit over a year. I spent most of my leisure time with my new friend exploring the world of "drugs". During this time a strong bond was formed with my new friend. I'd forgotten that I could be leading myself down a path of anguish again.

Anyway I'm going to leave it there for tonight to see if anyone still reads/watches this. Comments are encouraged, depending on the response I will write more, I have so much to write about it has been such a hectik journey...