Where I left off

Wow, I just read back over my last blog posts and what a ride it’s been. Although short they definitely brought up some memories and allowed me to reflect on my journey.

After my most recent post I went down a dark path of isolation fuelled by amphetamine abuse, lasting a couple of years. My best friend who I spoke about in my last post, we parted ways for a few months or more after I gave an ultimatum.

It’s been around 4 years now that I kicked my daily amphetamine habit and started accepting my life for what is really is. It took me a while but better late than never.

That best friend is back in my life nowadays and with what we’ve been through we’ll be best friends til we’re both dead.

It must be just over a year and a half now I’ve been with the love of my life “Bob”. In that time I feel like I’ve experienced more than I ever have in my lifetime. 

We got engaged a few months back and are currently building our first home.

It’s been 7 years or something since my last post so not sure if anyone still reads this, thought I’d leave a happy ending of sorts just in case ;)

Catching up

I decided that I will continue to write for my blog. If not only to assist others who can relate and share the same emotions from the experiences which I have but also as an outlet for myself.

I have struggled to find a point to start at so I will start from this current moment in time as the emotions which I am feeling now are the only reason why I have logged in to make a post. I was about to write a diary entry tonight but decided I would write it into my blog instead.

I went to the gym tonight with my best friend as we do most nights. We train together and are following the same workout plan. He messaged me today and said that he was going to go earlier today, I asked him what he was up to afterwards, knowing that this meant he had plans. He said he was going to meet up with a female friend. Straight away I was overcome with jealousy.

Now this is where I know I should just step back and give this person space as I am not doing them any good or myself but... This is where things get difficult.

I have spent the last 4 years with this person practically every waking hour which we are not at work. He has called me a brother, I have told him I love him, we have smoked so many drugs together,we have taken every drug together, I have become so attached to him.

Now, I have stayed away from him for months to try and lose these feelings. I have brought it up with him on multiple occasions. He has told me he doesn't want anything to change and he said he wants me as his best man if he ever got married etc.

Now all I want is for things not to change either, I am happy to just remain friends with him. The problem is that I fantasise over him and I get so jealous that I practically slip into a depressive state whenever he chooses a girl to hang out with over me. I guess, I want to be with him 24/7.

What are my options here? I have tried to stop being around him, this lasted 6 months. Now I am back to where I was. Do I need to commit to not seeing him again and actually end this friendship which is with such an understandable friend who has endured this whole thing with me and supported me in so many ways? Are there ways which I can stop this jealousy and continue to enjoy my time with this friend?

I am scared that the 6 months which I did not see this friend for was actually the best thing which I have done for myself in regards to this issue. It only stopped as I heard that they were in hospital.

I hope that someone out there has the answer for me as I am running out of options of my own. Maybe the decisions which hurt us the most can sometimes be best in the long run.

P.s. I have written this on my phone so excuse any poor written skills as I haven't been able to proof any of it.

An unexpected reminder...

I'll start by getting straight to the point. I forgot all about this blog. My life since leaving school has been a very rough roller coaster ride.

I check my emails tonight and have an email saying unauthorised access attempt for another email address. I wasn't sure what the other email was used for although I did recall making it. I logged into the account (remembered the password, woot) and had a look at the linked Google products, blogger.

Not sure how someone got my password to login to this account, oh well they were blocked anyway and I reset my password.

Now what's running through my head is 3 things, do I close this account, do I recap on what has happened these past 3-4 years, or do I start from where I'm at now. I'll go with what feels best.

I don't currently label myself as gay/bi/straight. I deny it, I don't accept it. Call me weak.

I went to university after school, that lasted a couple of months. I then went back to working at my previous job doing I.T. programming. Where I have worked for the past 3 years or so. I've decided I'm going to summarise the time I have been absent from this blog.

I moved in with a school friend who's family I was close with. They were happy to have me live with them. I ended up becoming best friends with my friend's brother. I started smoking pot with him and mixing more with his group of friends. I explored new realms of this world, drugs. I was always a curious one, try everything. Trying everything made me realise that this new realm did something for me, it masked my emotions. It was my cure.

I self medicated for a bit over a year. I spent most of my leisure time with my new friend exploring the world of "drugs". During this time a strong bond was formed with my new friend. I'd forgotten that I could be leading myself down a path of anguish again.

Anyway I'm going to leave it there for tonight to see if anyone still reads/watches this. Comments are encouraged, depending on the response I will write more, I have so much to write about it has been such a hectik journey...

Well

gah, just had friend around. We were playing round on my computer. I had my email client minimized and I received an email while he was sitting at the computer. I looked at it and in the bottom corner pops up "gay porn blah blah blah" my heart beat jumped an extra 100 cycles per minute (this is the friend i like). I practically pushed him out of the way and was like oh I best check that and he was like "oh the email?". I'm quite sure at the point which it popped up he was looking at the keyboard typing. I'm quite sure he didn't notice the email title because he acted so calm. I WAS SHAKING!

Meh

These holidays seem to be lasting for ever. It's halfway through and I feel like I have done nothing, I think it's because I haven't. Quite bored of that new game I got, doesn't seem to be going anywhere. I've not gotten around to organising a time to meet up with friend from up north yet,  I don't really feel like it either.

This weekend coming there is a computer LAN event on which I'm going to go to. It's not the usual one I go to but it's in the same area. It should be good I usually enjoy playing computer games in a more social environment instead of online.

The holidays are really draining me, I feel so empty. It's probably because I just sit on my computer all day. I talk to people online but it's not the same. Recently I have been watching some movies based on Stephen King novels, really good stuff. I think I've watched them all now.

In reply to Steevo about my last post, at university I'll be studying Information Technology Networking. I'll be studying an hour from where I live at the moment.

Long time no see..

Sorry about the late post, the last few weeks have been hectic with end of term assignments etc. I have only just enabled holiday mode really.

My old buddy from up north is away for the first week of holidays although he is keen to catch up in the 2nd half. I will try n reserve transport up there for then, otherwise it might be public transport there and back =\

I know the holidays have not even started yet although I think I can feel already what I fear after I leave school, loneliness, missing my friends. I've been really conscious around this matter recently, most of my good friends are going to be staying in the area, while I set out to move into the city. It's not a huge issue as I can always come and visit them every now and then.

One other thing which has been on my mind recently is the connection between me and my "over liked" friend. I'm not sure if the vibes I'm getting off him is just a really good friendship or "something else". It's not a connection which I have ever experienced with anyone else before, he competes with me, we taunt/tease each other, the list truly goes on. I think that this is my "shy/pussy" instinct although I do have reason not to try anything further on him. WHENEVER he is around a girl he goes crazy on them and almost completely ignores me.

On other news my plans for the holidays involve a nerdy approach, one thing on my list of things to do is learn to touch type and secondly I'm going to be playing a new game which is released in 5 and a half hours, "Aion". I'm really desperately looking for someone to play that game with me at the moment on the oceanic server. No luck for the LGBT communities as they are all playing on the American servers.

That is everything covered, please let me know if you or someone you know is going to play Aion on the server: Nezekan.

Byebye.

An old friend..

About 4 years ago when I lived with my dad, about 1 hour away from where I am now, there was some kid who I talked to on msn. He is the same age as me although in the grade below me for school. 


I can't recall how we first met, all that I can remember is that he was friends of a family friend of mine who is in his year at school. I don't think we even ever talked in person as the topic in which he first contacted me about seemed quite the awkward one to talk to someone about in person. The basis of which he contacted me on was his concern for his "lateblooming" status. He was asking me all of this stuff about if I'd cummed, if I had pubes etc. He'd told me that he was worried that he couldn't cum and thought that it was because he'd been kicked in the balls or something like that. We'd talked casually before he asked me about this and we continued to briefly afterwards. This is Ben as well, for reference.


4 years later, about 5-6 months ago, I was contacted by someone who added me on msn saying that they were old friends of mine when I used to live with my dad. I'd never heard of this person, and to this day I still can't remember ever knowing them. We had casual talks every now and then, until eventually he started dropping massive hints and  later telling me how he'd anally pleasure himself. It turned out he was openly Bi. After a week or so we planned to meet up in person when I was going to be in his town next. We chose the time and day that I'd be there and he'd come on msn to decide a place to meet. Of course he never  came online and I never got a chance to organize another time. I didn't really feel like anything was right between us either, so I removed him from my msn and ended that. During all of this, I still had Ben on my msn contact list from all of those years ago, but had never talked to him since last time. Since Ben and this other guy were in the same year I asked Ben if he knew him he said yes and seemed interested in knowing how I knew him. That was all the contact I had with Ben for a while.


1-2 months ago. I was asked by Ben for some help with a Maths question he was having some trouble with. I said sure thing and got out a calculator, after quite a while I was still unable to work out the question. I currently do a much easier maths then the maths which he does and I have not done anything like it for a couple of years. He was thankful for my attempt but I was not satisfied that I was complete, so I insisted to take it to school and ask a maths teacher on showing me how to do it as I was interested in knowing myself. At this point he'd already worked it out by cheating and did not have any working out.


After our last contact he had been in touch quite a bit, casually talking every now and then. The last week I have been hinting a bit and waiting for some type of reply, I got it instantly. So I dropped the question, "If I'm following correctly here, you're not straight?". (I checked my msn logs to get some details here and it seems that he was the one dropping the hints at first, lol) He said yes and then said nice guess. I said it was barely a guess and he knew it. We talked for ages after this, hours, until he asked me to come there one day when his parents are away. I said sure thing, tell me in advance and I should be able to borrow mum's car. We finished up the night after 2 and a half hours. 


Now, I come out of the shower tonight, look on msn and he is online. I msg him saying hello, and no reply! I'm having a one man debate here if I say hello again or play it cool...


Byebye.