Sunday, August 25, 2013

Catching up

I decided that I will continue to write for my blog. If not only to assist others who can relate and share the same emotions from the experiences which I have but also as an outlet for myself.

I have struggled to find a point to start at so I will start from this current moment in time as the emotions which I am feeling now are the only reason why I have logged in to make a post. I was about to write a diary entry tonight but decided I would write it into my blog instead.

I went to the gym tonight with my best friend as we do most nights. We train together and are following the same workout plan. He messaged me today and said that he was going to go earlier today, I asked him what he was up to afterwards, knowing that this meant he had plans. He said he was going to meet up with a female friend. Straight away I was overcome with jealousy.

Now this is where I know I should just step back and give this person space as I am not doing them any good or myself but... This is where things get difficult.

I have spent the last 4 years with this person practically every waking hour which we are not at work. He has called me a brother, I have told him I love him, we have smoked so many drugs together,we have taken every drug together, I have become so attached to him.

Now, I have stayed away from him for months to try and lose these feelings. I have brought it up with him on multiple occasions. He has told me he doesn't want anything to change and he said he wants me as his best man if he ever got married etc.

Now all I want is for things not to change either, I am happy to just remain friends with him. The problem is that I fantasise over him and I get so jealous that I practically slip into a depressive state whenever he chooses a girl to hang out with over me. I guess, I want to be with him 24/7.

What are my options here? I have tried to stop being around him, this lasted 6 months. Now I am back to where I was. Do I need to commit to not seeing him again and actually end this friendship which is with such an understandable friend who has endured this whole thing with me and supported me in so many ways? Are there ways which I can stop this jealousy and continue to enjoy my time with this friend?

I am scared that the 6 months which I did not see this friend for was actually the best thing which I have done for myself in regards to this issue. It only stopped as I heard that they were in hospital.

I hope that someone out there has the answer for me as I am running out of options of my own. Maybe the decisions which hurt us the most can sometimes be best in the long run.

P.s. I have written this on my phone so excuse any poor written skills as I haven't been able to proof any of it.

Saturday, May 18, 2013

An unexpected reminder...

I'll start by getting straight to the point. I forgot all about this blog. My life since leaving school has been a very rough roller coaster ride.

I check my emails tonight and have an email saying unauthorised access attempt for another email address. I wasn't sure what the other email was used for although I did recall making it. I logged into the account (remembered the password, woot) and had a look at the linked Google products, blogger.

Not sure how someone got my password to login to this account, oh well they were blocked anyway and I reset my password.

Now what's running through my head is 3 things, do I close this account, do I recap on what has happened these past 3-4 years, or do I start from where I'm at now. I'll go with what feels best.

I don't currently label myself as gay/bi/straight. I deny it, I don't accept it. Call me weak.

I went to university after school, that lasted a couple of months. I then went back to working at my previous job doing I.T. programming. Where I have worked for the past 3 years or so. I've decided I'm going to summarise the time I have been absent from this blog.

I moved in with a school friend who's family I was close with. They were happy to have me live with them. I ended up becoming best friends with my friend's brother. I started smoking pot with him and mixing more with his group of friends. I explored new realms of this world, drugs. I was always a curious one, try everything. Trying everything made me realise that this new realm did something for me, it masked my emotions. It was my cure.

I self medicated for a bit over a year. I spent most of my leisure time with my new friend exploring the world of "drugs". During this time a strong bond was formed with my new friend. I'd forgotten that I could be leading myself down a path of anguish again.

Anyway I'm going to leave it there for tonight to see if anyone still reads/watches this. Comments are encouraged, depending on the response I will write more, I have so much to write about it has been such a hectik journey...

Friday, October 9, 2009


gah, just had friend around. We were playing round on my computer. I had my email client minimized and I received an email while he was sitting at the computer. I looked at it and in the bottom corner pops up "gay porn blah blah blah" my heart beat jumped an extra 100 cycles per minute (this is the friend i like). I practically pushed him out of the way and was like oh I best check that and he was like "oh the email?". I'm quite sure at the point which it popped up he was looking at the keyboard typing. I'm quite sure he didn't notice the email title because he acted so calm. I WAS SHAKING!

Tuesday, September 29, 2009


These holidays seem to be lasting for ever. It's halfway through and I feel like I have done nothing, I think it's because I haven't. Quite bored of that new game I got, doesn't seem to be going anywhere. I've not gotten around to organising a time to meet up with friend from up north yet,  I don't really feel like it either.

This weekend coming there is a computer LAN event on which I'm going to go to. It's not the usual one I go to but it's in the same area. It should be good I usually enjoy playing computer games in a more social environment instead of online.

The holidays are really draining me, I feel so empty. It's probably because I just sit on my computer all day. I talk to people online but it's not the same. Recently I have been watching some movies based on Stephen King novels, really good stuff. I think I've watched them all now.

In reply to Steevo about my last post, at university I'll be studying Information Technology Networking. I'll be studying an hour from where I live at the moment.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Long time no see..

Sorry about the late post, the last few weeks have been hectic with end of term assignments etc. I have only just enabled holiday mode really.

My old buddy from up north is away for the first week of holidays although he is keen to catch up in the 2nd half. I will try n reserve transport up there for then, otherwise it might be public transport there and back =\

I know the holidays have not even started yet although I think I can feel already what I fear after I leave school, loneliness, missing my friends. I've been really conscious around this matter recently, most of my good friends are going to be staying in the area, while I set out to move into the city. It's not a huge issue as I can always come and visit them every now and then.

One other thing which has been on my mind recently is the connection between me and my "over liked" friend. I'm not sure if the vibes I'm getting off him is just a really good friendship or "something else". It's not a connection which I have ever experienced with anyone else before, he competes with me, we taunt/tease each other, the list truly goes on. I think that this is my "shy/pussy" instinct although I do have reason not to try anything further on him. WHENEVER he is around a girl he goes crazy on them and almost completely ignores me.

On other news my plans for the holidays involve a nerdy approach, one thing on my list of things to do is learn to touch type and secondly I'm going to be playing a new game which is released in 5 and a half hours, "Aion". I'm really desperately looking for someone to play that game with me at the moment on the oceanic server. No luck for the LGBT communities as they are all playing on the American servers.

That is everything covered, please let me know if you or someone you know is going to play Aion on the server: Nezekan.


Sunday, September 6, 2009

An old friend..

About 4 years ago when I lived with my dad, about 1 hour away from where I am now, there was some kid who I talked to on msn. He is the same age as me although in the grade below me for school. 

I can't recall how we first met, all that I can remember is that he was friends of a family friend of mine who is in his year at school. I don't think we even ever talked in person as the topic in which he first contacted me about seemed quite the awkward one to talk to someone about in person. The basis of which he contacted me on was his concern for his "lateblooming" status. He was asking me all of this stuff about if I'd cummed, if I had pubes etc. He'd told me that he was worried that he couldn't cum and thought that it was because he'd been kicked in the balls or something like that. We'd talked casually before he asked me about this and we continued to briefly afterwards. This is Ben as well, for reference.

4 years later, about 5-6 months ago, I was contacted by someone who added me on msn saying that they were old friends of mine when I used to live with my dad. I'd never heard of this person, and to this day I still can't remember ever knowing them. We had casual talks every now and then, until eventually he started dropping massive hints and  later telling me how he'd anally pleasure himself. It turned out he was openly Bi. After a week or so we planned to meet up in person when I was going to be in his town next. We chose the time and day that I'd be there and he'd come on msn to decide a place to meet. Of course he never  came online and I never got a chance to organize another time. I didn't really feel like anything was right between us either, so I removed him from my msn and ended that. During all of this, I still had Ben on my msn contact list from all of those years ago, but had never talked to him since last time. Since Ben and this other guy were in the same year I asked Ben if he knew him he said yes and seemed interested in knowing how I knew him. That was all the contact I had with Ben for a while.

1-2 months ago. I was asked by Ben for some help with a Maths question he was having some trouble with. I said sure thing and got out a calculator, after quite a while I was still unable to work out the question. I currently do a much easier maths then the maths which he does and I have not done anything like it for a couple of years. He was thankful for my attempt but I was not satisfied that I was complete, so I insisted to take it to school and ask a maths teacher on showing me how to do it as I was interested in knowing myself. At this point he'd already worked it out by cheating and did not have any working out.

After our last contact he had been in touch quite a bit, casually talking every now and then. The last week I have been hinting a bit and waiting for some type of reply, I got it instantly. So I dropped the question, "If I'm following correctly here, you're not straight?". (I checked my msn logs to get some details here and it seems that he was the one dropping the hints at first, lol) He said yes and then said nice guess. I said it was barely a guess and he knew it. We talked for ages after this, hours, until he asked me to come there one day when his parents are away. I said sure thing, tell me in advance and I should be able to borrow mum's car. We finished up the night after 2 and a half hours. 

Now, I come out of the shower tonight, look on msn and he is online. I msg him saying hello, and no reply! I'm having a one man debate here if I say hello again or play it cool...


Sunday, August 30, 2009


Well it's the day after the party at my house, 2:19pm, I've been sleeping for the past 6 hours and I still have a raging headache.

Last night was one of the most devastating nights I've ever experienced. It happened like this...

Everyone started arriving at about 6pm and everyone had arrived by 6:30 and we'd started drinking. In total their were 6 guys there. The guy I really like lets call "B", makes it easier. So B brought his car and he decided he'd drive down the street and get pizzas before he had a drink so he went and did that with a couple others. They got back from the pizza trip at about 7:30. After eating and some time had passed B was texting some people and was saying he was trying to get some girls to come around. After about 10 minutes he said that these three girls from school wanted to meet up at a service station a few blocks away. So I grabbed house keys and locked the place up and all 6 of us were walking up my street to this park. We jogged the way out of our street and later walked (alcohol gives super running energy I think). Smacked B on the arse while we were running up the street as well ;)

We had arrived at the petrol station. It was about 8:30 now I think. At the service station there were this group of guys, people I'd recognised from school, they are the type who start fights for fun etc. We were standing back and keeping an eye out for this group of girls. After 5 minutes one of these guys walked over to us and was saying how this group of muay-thai kick boxers are going to be going there soon to beat them up and how they wanted us to have their backs. We pretty much just ignored him and tried not to aggravate. Eventually B text the girls and got the message that the girls wanted us to meet them somewhere else which is closer to their house. It was just down the street again so we started walking down there. We saw the cops so I thought it would be best to walk back down a side street where B and another friend walked straight through the service station. The rest of us had to walk a little longer. We walked down the side street back onto the main street and B and the other were and could see them in the distance as their way was faster. We walked along this strip up to a corner shop and saw some cops again at the corner shop where we were meeting. We had not caught up to B and the other yet they had kept going. We walked up another street and eventually caught up to them and they were with the girls.

One of the girls and me had been pretty good friends a little while ago at school and the other two I knew from school, one of which a real stuck up bitch. We were just wandering around for a while I think they were looking for a park. After about 30 mins of wondering around I think it was, they'd found it. We sat down there, at this point I was feeling really bad as I'd been practically tagging along the whole time. I was pretty much just standing there the whole time while the others were flirting etc. They had a bottle of drink as well which they were drinking. After a while I thought it would be best to text my brother and let him know I was okay if he was wondering why I was not at home, as he was not there when we left. After a while we noticed a big fire starting over near the residential area so we started to walk away. At this point I decided to ditch the others and just go home, another friend was with me as well. We got home and just sat round there and drank. 10 minutes later all of the others arrived back at my house with the girls.

I was going crazy after about 30 minutes of them being there, B and one of the girls were getting all private as well, sitting out the back together for ages. After they came back inside the went out the front down the end of my street apparently. The other two girls went home at this point, I thought they were angry with the other girl but it turns out they just left. I was just chilling out the back for a while with my dog, I was so sad. B and the girl came back and went into my bathroom for like 2-3 hours. I think at about this point, if there were a button to end it all I would have hit that button so fast. After a while I think they'd come out and I was really fucked up at this point, mix of sadness and lots of alcohol wasn't too good. I ended up just crashing in my room on my bed.

I was woken up in the morning at about 7 by B saying that he was going to go and take that girl to work. I fell back asleep and woke up about 30 mins later. I went and got a drink and have a sick, I sat out in the lounge room for a while were a couple friends were sleeping and a couple were awake. I heard something which I really didn't want to hear, that B was getting lucky in the bathroom for those hours, he was getting head apparently. The two friends who were awake ended up going to mcdonalds for breakfast but I said I was too sick to go down. After about 2 hours from when B had left he was back, asked if I wanted to go to mcdonalds with him, I said yes and we drove down. When we were in the car he was talking to me about everything other then getting head and how she was all emotional because she'd just broken up with her boyfriend or something. We sat in mcdonalds and ate. I didn't have much to say really was mainly just small talk. We ate then went back home. We were all sitting round in the lounge room and someone mentioned the BJ and B was saying it wasn't even much of a BJ and that he wouldn't have done it if he wasn't drunk. He also mentioned how it was all super hush hush, in my head I was like "fuck that".

After a while of sitting around everyone left, as they were walking out and I was sitting near the door on a chair they were all saying thanks and stuff for the "party". B's thank you was... "yeah thanks jesse, wasnt much of a party though really, oh i'll shutup now i'm starting to sound like a prick".

That's that, you may think wow that was a big read, think about the total hungover kid who wrote it :)

In reply to steevo's question on my last post, he is just a really ridgy-didge bloke and he has a 0-100kmph @ 2.4 secs motorbike :D

Good bye all.